silly girl

they look at me with puzzled expressions
laughing and thinking it’s cute
how i am such a silly girl
for being afraid to fall in love again

i want to think it’s silly,
that this is all just a stupid game, like they say, and
i’m just being naïve about something
that a young girl like me doesn’t understand

i want to be able to smile
and have someone think that mine
is the most beautiful smile in the world;
that sunshine exists in the gaps between my teeth
and beauty lurks in the circles under my eyes
(even though i cringe when i see myself
so raw, so imperfect, so flawed)

i crave for you to prove me wrong

i want to be able to love unconditionally
to be able to hold someone’s hand and feel connected
instead of wondering if there’s another pretty girl on his mind,
someone who isn’t me;
i want to be so blindingly in love with you
that we are too busy being in love while watching the sunset
to notice it turn into a sky full of stars

i want to look at you and see the entire universe
instead of seeing myself and something like an unknown planet,
waiting to be discovered
(but you never let me in)

i am just a naïve girl who still wishes on fallen eyelashes
and keeps her heart hidden under her sleeve
because of fear that someone might abuse it,
or even worse-
lose it
and that’s when i realized that maybe
they were right,  love is just a stupid game,

but i am tired of always having to lose
(for once, please let me win)

you can’t just make me different and then leave

It still terrifies me when I remember
the moment I swore I would never believe
anyone who said they loved me ever again

At the end of the day, as I lie here
with my pillow soaking wet with tear stains,
words are just meaningless fragments,
and lately I’ve been feeling like a malnourished plant
desperate for a drop of hope amidst a barren desert

Even though the wounds you caused on my heart
have aged into stronger scars,
I still stand with clenched teeth and a weak stomach
whenever another boy with pretty eyes tells me
I’m his everything

I miss being the bright-eyed girl
who reeked of confidence and wasn’t afraid to accept affection
with open arms rather than always keeping them crossed.
I miss feeling invincible, like my heart was unbreakable,
instead of hearing the monotone thump
of what used to live in it

But most of all, what I miss the most
is waking up every day without having to wonder
if your eyes have found someone else’s.
I wonder if holding her hand makes your jigsaw heart feel complete.
I was convinced that I was your missing piece,
but I haven’t felt whole in the longest time.

Missing you seemed like the biggest mistake I had ever made,
but as I sit here feeling broken and utterly irreparable,
like the frail skeleton of someone I used to be,
I’m starting to think that perhaps,
My biggest mistake was giving away all the love I had stored inside of me
to someone who never even tried to love me
in the first place.