forgetting how to exist

I had always existed in shattered glass pieces stitched together with crimson lips, dangerous thoughts, and wondering how someone could ever dare to love something so empty, so flawed. I saw absolutely nothing in myself but the skeleton of a girl who poured out every meaningful emotion that dwelled inside of her into a boy with captivating eyes that she hopelessly plummeted into. He morphed into the blood that threatened to flow through my veins and he was absolutely everything, every molecule that lurked within me, everything in the universe that I adored. He showed me the whole wide world through his own eyes, and he taught me how to love strawberry milkshakes and the glorious sound of rain dancing against the roof. He filed in the empty pieces of me that had been lost so long ago, and sculpted me into someone identical to himself. But an abundance of summer days and sleepless nights only created a temporary bliss in me, and soon the rain and the emptiness numbed me once more. He left faster than a passing rainstorm in July, and on a Saturday night after mascara had stained the sleeves of my favorite sweater, and after the broken glass inside of me had stung and carved into my skin, I threw away every lonely tube of crimson lipstick, shut the window, and forgot how to gaze through other people’s eyes.

permanence

you’ve got a smile
that melts my heart
faster than chocolate
left beneath the august sun

i love the way
your smile makes me smile
like it’s been pasted on
with glue and permanence

you give me feelings
that i’m not quite sure of-
like gasoline spills on concrete,
all these colorful thoughts
that swirl together in my head
like spinning tops

i am so glad you smile,
but i just wish i was
the reason why

i cannot let it go

i wonder if you still think of me
when you hear our song on the radio
and i wonder if it echoes
in waves of blue to you, too

i wonder if you think of me at all
or if you have to press your lips together
so you won’t utter my name
when someone else’s frigid hands
fill the gaps between your fingers

i wonder, i wonder
and i cannot let it go

what had been

right before i fall asleep
i crave a hand to hold
and phone calls ending in
“i love you more”

what a beautiful thought
waking up to a
“good morning, beautiful”
or daisies on my doorstep

he creates sunsets on my cheeks
and ignites a fire in my chest
with thoughts of what could be

i crave cheesy puns
and overused jokes
and being best friends
with the boy who captivates me

but i am undeniably afraid
to let him in, because
one day-
my doorstep will be bare,
with pale cheeks
and bitter stares
and i fear tearstained cheeks
and 4 AMs awake
with thoughts of what
had been

on freedom

don’t forget to lose yourself sometimes
in your favorite books
and on friday nights with friends
don’t forget to let yourself wander
as you breathe in the sea
and let the ocean breeze tousle your hair
don’t forget to let yourself go
from the anchor that weighs you down
and stops you from being completely free
don’t forget to let yourself love
for a heart that has never loved
has never truly been free

more than just lovers

he was not a boy-
he was a song
but no one knew the words
and no one could sing along
(except for her)
he was not a boy,
he was the way
the ocean kissed
her sandy toes,
and he was what kept her warm
on cold winter nights,
even when a flannel quilt
and a cup of her favorite tea
could not

she was not a girl
she was a story-
filled with metaphors
and meanings no one understood
(except for him)
she was not a girl,
she was the way
the breath of winter
painted windows in december,
and she was what kept him warm
on cold winter nights,
even when the monotone hum
of a sad, old radiator
could not

captivated

it was sometime in april
when i discovered that your eyes
held galaxies and worlds
within a treacherous sea of green;
and that was when i knew
i was hopelessly lost
in the irises of your eyes
and you were lost
in mine

but now it’s a frigid december day
and my heart still quivers
when i hear the sound of your name,
it’s cold days like these
when i ponder upon the truth
i’m still lost in your eyes
but it’s so pointless
and so lonely,
so tragic
because you’ve found your way out
and you’re no longer lost in mine

reasons why you left

maybe it’s because my eyes were never bright
or because i blushed more than i spoke
maybe it was because i was a little hopeless
and lived only inside my head
(where it was warm and safe)
maybe it was because i was boring
only finding refuge in writing
and inside the pages of familiar books
maybe it’s because i never had
the answers you were looking for,
and maybe
i wasn’t what you were looking for

hollow

you don’t love me anymore
i can see it in your
lifeless eyes
and our hollow conversations

you don’t love me anymore
i can tell, by the way
we talk in fading blue
and how our words don’t echo
and sparks refuse to fly

you don’t love me anymore
because the loved don’t cry
and the love don’t whisper
(why?)
you don’t love me anymore
because the love
has seeped out of you,
and into her heart,

but not mine